Mark Carney defeated conservative challenger Pierre Poilievre in Canada’s 2025 federal election to become the next Prime Minister of America’s 51st state. What exactly does he have planned for The Great White North?

Nine improvements Carney is bringing to a Canada near you:

1. Assisted suicide is now available at Tim Hortons: Americans will be so jealous of the convenience enjoyed by Canada’s citizens.

2. All parents will be required to trans their kids: All must follow the example of our Dear Leader Mark Carney.

3. Double the size of Canada’s military to 12: It’s important for Canada to be ready in case Trump attacks.

4. The means of maple syrup production will be seized for the proletariat: A classless society can only be established by the equitable redistribution of maple syrup reserves. Glory to the Communist Republic of Canada.

5. Change the national anthem to “The Lumberjack Song” by Monty Python: Much more appropriate for modern Canadians.

6. Establish a war victory monument in case Canada ever wins a war: You never know. It could happen someday.

7. More unnecessary “u"s will be added to words: In addition to "humour” and “colour,” we’ll also get “elevatour,” “authour,” and “dictatour.”

8. Will advance several exciting new hoaxes against the Catholic Church: It’s the least we can do for the indigenous peoples who came before.

9. Will work closely with President Xi to bring Canada under the watchful protection of the glorious People’s Republic of China: Having a big brother is so comforting.

Wow! These are exciting. Maybe Canada is finally back.

From our friends at The Babylon Bee.