New York DA Indicts Trump for Bringing Firefighters Pizza but No Salad or Cheesy Bread
“Pizza accompanied by a garden salad is the bedrock of democracy,” declared Alvin Brag.
Immigration Crisis Ended as Frat Boys Deployed to Guard Southern Border
“It turns out that if you defend the border, people don’t illegally cross the border.”
Biden Drops Support for Pro-Palestine Protestors After Realizing How Bad Their Hair Smells
“Though the right to voice your opinion is a bedrock principle of this administration, so is having fresh-smelling hair.”
To Avoid Falling, Biden to Traverse Lawn in Giant Hamster Ball
“Presidents throughout history have used similar devices for mobility,” Karine Jean-Pierre told the press.
Biden Claims His Uncle’s Heart Was Ripped Out During Human Sacrifice Ritual in India
“And if you don’t believe me, then I’m not a Professor of Archaeology.”
NPR Says They Always Strive to Feature a Broad Range of Opinions From Slightly Communist to Very Communist
At publishing time, the janitor at NPR was seen straightening a giant glorious portrait of Joe Biden.
Judge Warns Trump Criminal Trial May Last Until, Say, November 6
Juan Merchan was all but certain that this particular case would reach its completion on the first Wednesday of November.
Trump Indicted for Taking More Chick-fil-A Sauces Than He Actually Needed for His Order
“We’ve got him this time,” a Department of Justice spokesperson said.
Biden Announces Student Loan Forgiveness to Help People Afford All His Taxes and Inflation
Ninety percent of college grads confirmed they had already spent all their extra cash on ramen noodles.
South Carolina Women’s Basketball Coach Announces Incoming Recruits Greg and Dave
The nation remains unsurprised that the first trans D-I athletes would be playing for a team called the “Lady Gamecocks.”
After Asking for Preferred Gender Pronouns, Doctor Asks Patient, ‘OK, Now What’s Your Actual Gender?’
Dr. DeOrio took it upon himself to educate his patient on the importance of biological sex in medical treatment.
Scottish Parliament Declares William Wallace Was a Woman After Learning He Wore a Skirt
When Wallace talked about “freedom,” he was definitely referring to the liberation of coming out as trans.
DeSantis Kicked Out of Republican Party for Accomplishing Too Many Things
The move was announced after careful deliberation by the RNC in coordination with top GOP leaders.
Pete Buttigieg Holds Emergency Press Conference to Announce He Is Taking 3 More Months Maternity Leave
According to sources, Buttigieg still has 38 months of paid maternity leave available should he need it.
In Brief: Biden’s New Stability Shoes for Fall-Prone Seniors
It’s everything you need to know about the president’s newest fashion choice.
Top Opinion
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Ben Shapiro Democrats’ Bizarrely Misplaced Empathy
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Gary Bauer Easter at the White House
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Victor Davis Hanson Will Harvard Go Full Hillsdale?
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David Harsanyi If Everyone Is an Expert, No One Is
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Erick Erickson The Greatest Event in Human History
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Tim Graham When Secular Reporters Watch Religious Movies
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Josh Hammer End U.S. Taxpayer Support for the Higher Education Gravy Train
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Michael Barone Why Does Union Membership Keep Declining?
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